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I will make itbeautiful and green, and underneath the land, I shall lay rich seams ofcoal for the inhabitants to mine. He did this several times. Simon Masters wrote:> > Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's> Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?>, > Many thanx in advance,> --> Simon Masters. More like entry to pre-algebra and the local mall. A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat. Why, what do you have? asks the barkeep. He thinks Haf-Torah means 50 percent of the regular scroll., When writing about someones career or hobbies, its important to stay away from anything too tragic or embarrassing. Im a fun guy., As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, That shirt looks great on you! The man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. When you share some good bar jokes, your friends will love you and enjoy your company more. The first chemist says, Ill have a glass of H20. The second chemist says, Ill take a water too. The first chemist breaks down in tears. ""Well, what about sex?" A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any jobs?. But I found a solution: I put abig piece of cheese on the bimah. But its important to try them out on a small inner circle beforehand. A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: Ill have a Gin and Tonic.. To return Click Here. The haftarah can be as they say in show business a tough act to follow. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. From the warm-up joke to the final thank-you's, we've got everything you need for a speech that will bring them to their feet. It was made entirely out of choppedliver. For more joke ideas, check out our main collection of bar jokes that will turn you into the life of the party. It was an emotional wedding. "I didn't order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.". It's that no one runs in your family. . There's a bar mitzvah going on. A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. Hey! shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, Im a panda. Each guest pulled a classic Jewish joke written on a piece of paper and told the joke to the crowd. A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, "Hey!" ''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. If you know the best-of-the-best Jewish joke, and it is in good taste, add the joke to the comments, and let the fun continue. (guidelines), Raila Odinga Hosts George Wajackoyah for Breakfast at His Kisumu Residence. What about that peg leg? The chicken says, "That's okay. I hope I've had my artistic bar mitzvah somewhere" - Jeremy Piven (Ari Gold everybody!) Why didn't the bartender serve the snake? Panting, he tells the barkeep, Give me ten shots of yourbest whiskeyquick! So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds. YouTube/Courtesy of the Criz family. "Pint, please, and one for the road.". asks the first bee. Humor also relieves boredom and, wherever anxiety or tension exists, it breaks the ice. It's impossible to put down. Never take a front-row seat at a more One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. At the end of the evening, after everyone had gone home, Mr Cohen metwith the caterer to settle the bill. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martini." "Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" As you know we're Jews and I reckon thatpractically everyone here was a Jew. Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Readers Digest runs it. And what's so wrong with dry turkey? ", Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. And for your other two wishes? asks the genie. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. A run-on sentence walks into a bar and starts flirting with a cute little sentence fragment. 108 Dirty Jokes To Tell Your Friends That You Cant Help But Laugh At, These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of, The past, present, and future walk into a bar. High quality Funny Bar Mitzvah-inspired gifts and merchandise. If they are all pretty salty and irreverent, up and down, you can go a lot farther than if they are primarily prim, proper and socially conservative. A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Olive or Twist? You can't put off your Bar Mitzvah speech or Bat Mitzvah speech until it's convenient - like after the shoe sale for single-footed size 5's at Neiman Marcus, or until your herbal cleanse is complete. He'd already been to the Cohen's safari bar mitzvah (see previous joke) and realized there was little in this world that hadn't already been done. The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?". Congratulations and have a wonderful day! >> I am reminded of the old Sam Levenson story about the Bar Mitzvah boy. Bar Mitzvah ritual at the Western Wall, on September 22, 2008 in Jerusalem. "Really bad," said the second bee. !, The bartender says, Why the short face?, The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. Only 12 cents., Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, Hey, do you taste something funny?, What is this, the bartender yells. . Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve minors., A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says hes drinking a magical drink. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. Whats funny is i probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world and i cant wait for someone to call me in a month or something and say can you do these for my sons bar mitzvah. The noun declines. The bartender shakes his head and says, Yknow, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman.. Once thats done, then its time to create and work in the funny parts. What can I get you?, The bartender says, Sorry, sir. I am reminded of the old Sam Levenson story about the Bar Mitzvah boy. And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The life of todays teenager cries out for some comedic relief. Feldmans path to observance took many twists and turns. Some people find it hard to do it, and that is why some of these fantastic profile pic comments for Facebook will help. "Heard it." rd.com Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. If you feel somewhat lacking when it comes to a sharply developed funny bone, you can always take some time to study up on the great comedians watch videos at home or listen to CDs in the car to absorb some rules of the comedy writing science. Recent; Random; Tell a Joke; One-liners. A longtime Jewish best-seller full of intrigue, conflict and larger-than-life characters, the haftarah also packs some pretty big moral messages. The untold story of Aleeza Goggins, Rigathi Gachagua Says Matiang'i Fled Kenya Fearing Ruto Would Harass Him: "Some People Are Cowards", Governor Abdulswamad Facilitates 400 Residents to Attend Burial of Luo Council of Elders Leader Willis Otondi, Babu Owino, Other Elected Kenya Young Parliamentarians Association Legislators, How to block and divert calls and SMS on Safaricom? I sometimes joke that you are a very low-maintenance child. What can I get you?, A horse walks into a bar. For their winter Bar Mitzvah celebration, the Wabnik family gave each family a delicious mini apple crumb pie with an adorable 'goodbye' sticker As guests left the Lapidus celebration, a comfy pair of slippers were waiting along with a reminder to turn back the clocks! The best of these speeches are touching and often a little funny. "I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.", "Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Maybe it was a woman. First of all, it draws in an audience and makes them listen, creating a sense of relevance, inclusion and heightened anticipation. Easter Jokes. The guide replies,"We have to wait until the Bar Mitzvah party ahead of us leaves the clearing". And its OK to get a little edgy or negative with your humor, but do not cross or possibly even get too close to the line. The bartender says, "We don't serve food!" A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what hed like. My sister asked me to give a toast at my nephew's upcoming bar mitzvah and I was looking for bar mitzvah jokes online when I stumbled upon the trailer for this movie. Bar Mitzvah, Cereal Karen Slater is the Executive Social Media Producer at Project Social. With my own eyes, I have seen him separate the inferior lateral gluteous from the ventricular pectoralis. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen." Emma Taubenfeld is a former assistant editor for Readers Digest who writes about digital lifestyle topics such as memes, social media captions, pickup lines and cute pets. A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. I tried mousetraps. No charge., The first one says, It sure is hot in here., His friend snaps back, Shut your mouth!, The bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!, The screwdriver squeals, You have a drink named Philip??. This movie was hysterical. Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, Ill have a Martinus., (x) walks into a bar. Raunchy, juvenile humor, just what I was in the mood for. They'll never expect it back. You cant tell me that was just a coincidence, man. the man asked. "Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Give a man a duck and hell eat for a day. A non-renewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey. Holy f***. The man thinks and says, I wish I had a million bucks. Suddenly, the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into peoples drinks. The bartender says, Wow, Ive never served a weasel before. You'll always be Dad's boy. If you miss even one, you pay for everyone elses drinks for the rest of the night. And by whats known I mean I made that term up, Israel and the Internet Wars A Professional Social Media Review, The Invisible Student: A Tale of Homelessness at UCLA and USC, Youre Not a Bad Jewish Mom If Your Kid Wants Santa Claus to Come to Your House, No Labels: The Group Fighting for the Political Center, VBS Fusion Attracting a Younger Generation, Israeli Pilots Visit Special Needs Center, L.A. Federation Receives Groundbreaking Grant, Ticketmaster Criticism Intensifies After Ignoring Calls to Deplatform Farrakhan Event, White Nationalist Nick Fuentes Kicked Out of CPAC. And thus the First Council of Nicaea, a gathering in 325 C.E. "It is strictly forbidden. The screwdriver asks, "You have a drink named Philip??". The following are some hilarious puns you can post on your social media platforms. I wish you much happiness and many blessings on such a special day. Dropping a comment on someone's picture is a kind gesture, and everyone appreciates it. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. Will Sally or anyone else mind that you made a joke about her attractiveness? How many other jokes can one make off 'Man walks into a bar?'? How could we share bar jokes without including an anti-joke in the mix? See more. So what better way to disarm the room than with some punch lines? A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. I may regret saying this at some point, but I would like to give you permission to stop being low-maintenance - at least for a little while. The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, Dont you mean a Martini? Look, Caesar replies. What did my hose say when I got bar mitzvahed? Many people are naturally funny in real life, and some are less so. The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy. Did you really have to get thatGentile Henry Moore to make the model? If you ask one more time, Ill nail you to the wall! The duck leaves. Some kind of joke?, The bartender asks, Why the big pause? And the polar bear replies, I dont know, Ive always had them., The bartender asks, Hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy? Nay, lad, now make with the grog, says the captain. However, some comments will bring joy, whereas others will not. The rabbi said funny you should ask me. Back in the days of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, turning 13 might have meant moving out into your own tent, taking a spouse, buying a reliable used donkey and farming the land not exactly laughing matters. * * * * *. We don't know what you think, but to us it sure looks like this Samoyed is telling a scary story or a special secret to this crowd of pups. What do they do? Here's the speech that everyone gives at every Bar or Bat mitzvah I've ever seen: Mention how old child is, how they're now a man/woman. Funny quotes bat mitzvah free daily quotes. He comes out, goes to the bartender. Holiday Jokes. Tuko.co.ke recently shared 100+ awesome profile pic comments for Facebook. Jews: Jewish people are members of an ethnoreligious group and a nation originating from the Israelites and Hebrews of historical Israel and Judah.Jewish ethnicity . When you're honored by being asked to make some personal remarks in a Bat Mitzvah speech or a Bar Mitzvah speech, you're up. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. The hamburger says, "That's okay. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar, and everyone youve ever loved dies. The unicorn replies, "At $7.50 a beer, I can understand why.". A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. !, He asks the bartender, Whats with the meat? The bartender says, If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Whether youre out on a new date or hanging with friends, a great way to break the ice is with a good joke. The logo should be Whimsical with a focus on a Jokes and Humor themed party. The contestant picks "marriage certificate"; the chosen celebrity says "marriage go-round", having misheard and thought Gene said "merry".The celebrity's answer is picked-on and joked about for the next three whole games by the other panelists. They'll never expect it back. Seudat mitzvah: A seudat mitzvah (Hebrew: , "commanded meal"), in Judaism, is an obligatory festive meal, usually referring to the celebratory meal . asked the man of the rabbi. In addition to these bar jokes, these drinking quotes will make you spit your drink out. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, . 4. This could work: Everybody knows about the time Samantha bought 10 pounds of candy, carved and lit the jack-o-lantern and stayed home all night waiting for trick-or-treaters on October 30. "Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex? Cheese Sandwich: $2.50 Chicken Sandwich: $3.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and asks the sexy bartender, Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. Your culture and entertainment cheat-sheet. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke? "Lotta rain, lotta cold. replies the second.The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, andinquires, "What's that on your head? Bar mitzvah Jokes A Bee Attends a Bar Mitzvah Two bees ran into each other. You may also want to try out some of these wine quotes that will uncork all the laughs. A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. Did you really think I wanted a twelve-inch pianist?, The bartender says, Why the big clause?, The bartender says, You know, we dont get too many gorillas in here. The gorilla replies, Well, at $9.85 a drink, I aint coming back, either., The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately." And a table. He Torah ligament!! Funny Jokes; Top Rated; Most Discussed. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. Japanese Bar Mitzvah Joke: Morris was telling his friend Mendel a joke, Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day.Right away, his friend, Mendel, interrupts him, Always. On the night of the function, everyone sat down at the table to eat, thelights dimmed, and to a tremendous fanfare from the symphony orchestra,spotlights shone on the centre of the ceiling. Effective humor often comes from the place where total honesty and believable experience meets playful heightening and even a touch of the absurd. Laughing all the time will make you happy and cheerful every day. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex? You cant hold your liquor.. T-shirts, posters, stickers, home de. He said, "Funny you should come to me". But don't go to the bar just yet without going through our collection of the best bar jokes. How many times have you heard the man walks into a bar jokes? "Last Jewish Comic Standing," was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son's Bar Mitzvah reception. The joke competition was fierce. I gave him a glass of water. I want a cheese sandwich!, He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, Im looking for the man who shot my paw., The bartender looks up and says, Is this some kind of joke?, I will grant you three wishes, intones the genie. But this was no ordinary sculpture. replies the second. Hey! shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, Im a panda. A broke guy walks past a pub. "What can I get you?" Even the cake was in tiers. Have fun and get creative with your jokes. It is also a good way to catch up with friends and meet new people. We almost made today business casual.. Try to keep the jokes general rather than too inside or obscure those things only your family or closest friends would understand. Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.". A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says, A beer, please! Now, you might be thinking: OK, funny guy. Because he couldn't hold his beer. There aren'tenough flowers, therefore not enough pollen. He took the test and passed. With each chug, the mug magically refills. If youre not a big beer fan, maybe try sharing some of these wine puns. But in 2009 America, a 13-year-old is more likely to be crying over eighth-grade math, texting friends about last nights episode of Entourage and battling increased perspiration with the criminally nauseating AXE body spray. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. And that was just the lox plate. Or, Debbies a certified public accountant. Probably not. This enables you to get a sense of what hits, thus providing you with the necessary confidence when its time to deliver at the big event. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. 100+ best anti-jokes for those who have a dry sense of humour, 50+ funniest Irish jokes that will leave your ribs aching. 4. The jokes are funny whether you are enjoying your drink or just catching up with your buddies. If you loved this, youll certainly laugh at these dark jokes. Yo Mama. She absolutely loves working with her clients to help them get their story out to the world, using social media. A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar. The bartender kicked him out. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. ", Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. This list is so good, even your sober friends will laugh at them. The first bee asked the other how things were going. . Part of comedy comes from specificity, so when punching a joke writing the ending words fish can usually be replaced by halibut or red snapper, and car can usually be replaced by Prius or Buick Skylark. Some words just sound funny, like halibut and Prius. Develop your feel for that, and then use words that have a sharp, crisp, funny sound. Chuck Norris. A heartfelt speech peppered with some funny, self-effacing, slightly mischievous lines would likely be just right. For starters, most of the assembled dont even understand the Hebrew. To gasps of delight the MC announced that this effigy had been sculptedby none other than the great Henry Moore himself. You guys better not start anything in here. Atfirst they're placed on jeeps; then when the brush gets thick, are placedon elephants. -- Matt Fields, DMA http://listen.to/mattaj TwelveToneToyBox http://start.at/tttb "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. Here are a few funny facts thatll make good bar banter. Why, what do you have? asks the barkeep. The Worst Bar Mitzvah Speech Ever Given. I hired an exterminator. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. I only want a drink. The bartender thinks to himself, This gorilla doesnt know the prices of drinks, and gives him 15 cents change. Brody Criz's bar mitzvah video, which parodies top-40 hits ranging from "Let it Go" to "Happy," went viral Thursday. I just want a drink. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. ", A screwdriver goes into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth pint, etc. Mr Cohen wanted something outstandingly memorable for his son's BarMitzvah. Seems like only yesterday you had your bris. A blind man walks into a bar. Said Goodman . Where did he come from? The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. I didnt order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.. Entry to adulthood? King of the One Liners reading Golden Oldies . The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve food here., The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they wont go flat, but the Irishman explains, Id rather see them all lined up before me. And a staircase. Jokes have a specific structure a setup and punch line, not the other way around. ! the guy asks. And what better joke to tell at a bar than a classic, man walks into a bar joke. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.". This is not to say that mom wants to deliver a nonstop, wall-to-wall joke fest. The bartender tells her, Sorry, you cant bring your dog in here. Hes my seeing-eye dog, the woman replies, feigning offense. We dont serve food here.. >>As he prepares himself for Bar Mitzvah, he is constantly hounded by his>>parents, reminding him, "You'll get presents, you'll get presents." Humor also relieves boredom and, wherever anxiety or tension exists, it breaks the ice. He went to all the best venues, and all the most expensivecaterers and eventually settled on the plushest dining suite and themost outrageously expensive cater there was. This catches the bartenders attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye. He>>is so spooked that, when he finally finishes his Torah portion, and>>faces the audience to deliver the obligatory speech, he announces,>>"Today I am a fountain pen! He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges. "A Bar Mitzvah is the time in his life when a Jewish boy realizes he has a better chance of owning a team than playing for one" - Jerry Reinsdorf "I'm not a boy now. The first one says, "It sure is hot in here." His friend snaps back, "Shut your mouth!" In a bar, an amnesiac walks in. You can also jot down ideas if you think of a good story, blessing, or quote for the speech. Is Uncle Joe extremely tall? A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. One of them says "We'd like a couple of beers, please." The bartender says "Okay, but don't start anything." Three fonts walk into a bar. Because they. Wheres the bar? he asks. "Great!" The bartender says, "We don't serve poultry!" I love that my kids now make their own dad jokes. Please select your Torah portion from this list for more resources, including themes and lessons to enhance your Bar Mitzvah speech. "- Muhammad Ali | Spammers go to: http://e-scrub.com/cgi-bin/wpoison/wpoison.cgi. Again, a minute later, he hears, You know, you dont look a day over 30. Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, Did you hear that? The bartender says, Its the peanuts. We'll see about that. However, it can also be hard to follow for just the opposite reason it flatlines and leaves an audience bored, listless and on the edge of sleep. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Weve rounded up the best of the bestfunny jokesto keep the banter and laughter flowing. Miraculously, he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron. While I may always have fond memories of you as a baby and as a young child, I look forward to the new memories we will We wish you all the best and know you'll grow into an amazing young man. that is considered the birth of Christian antisemitism, gets the Mel Brooks treatment in "History of the World Part II," the long . In this article, I have included the speeches given at my own bar mitzvah, and I hope that you can adapt some of the jokes and ideas for your own bar or bat mitzvah event. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp.". "Get out!" You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. You're on. He asks for one beer, and one for the road. It's, In alt.humor.jewish on Wed, 17 Feb 1999 11:01:51 EST. You have a drink named Steve? A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says "Hey bartender give me a beer." The bartender says, "Sorry, but we do not serve food here." There are two dragons in a bar. The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood.". Yesterday, just to be safe, we put a sign on the temple door: Wrong day! A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. I didn't think orthopaedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected. When the brush gets even thicker, they all start walkingsingle file. For instance: Bubbie Nadine acts incredibly youthful, like shes a fraction of her age. Eats shoots and leaves. RELATED: 108 Dirty Jokes To Tell Your Friends That You Cant Help But Laugh At, The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. ", A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. It was apopular gift in the right price range and it got to be a joke. Youll be the toast of the night with these babies. Hey, Ive got a great new joke for you! the barman says. Click here for more information. "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. The following are some examples of how to deal with specific topics: If you joke about someones personal appearance, its important that your subject have a good sense of humor about the topic. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. Out of This World Bar Mitzvah A wealthy businessman wanted the most lavish, unique, memorable bar mitzvah for his son that money could buy. A guy was in a bar drinking beer. "How was the bar mitzvah?" The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, Im terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty? To which the man replies surprised, Oh no no everythings fine! Funny Bar Mitzvah Speeches Speech writing can be a hugely daunting task, and inspiration may be hard to come by. If so, then it could be fair game. Two guys walk into a bar. Can we finally have sex?" We better be nice to her, or shes going to report my savings bonds., Specific anecdotes are great, but dont write about painful injury, serious crime, horrendous loss or anything else that may lead to gasps, murmurs and down-turned eyes.